winter cleaning
my landlady died, which means in a few months i am going to have to find a new place to live. as much as i love tom, i really want to get a place with spider. i haven't gotten a chance to talk to him about it, though, cos i've been in memphis and now he's in rochester ny cos his dad is dying. i haven't even really talked to him since i left, and it's making me anxious.

i've got wretched credit as a result of not paying my credit cards or student loans for a year, so i am not even sure if i could GET an apartment. definitely a problem.

being in memphis was weird. it's so small, and the buildings are so low and far apart. i felt so awkward around everyone except for tiffy. i pretty much just sat in her bed and read.

my cousins and my aunt and my grandparents are amazing. my mom and dad are fake and boring and make me feel so tense it's painful. by the end of my stay there i was ready to just tell them to leave me the fuck alone. at least my mom bought me a ton of clothes and an electric toothbrush.

i havent had sex in a couple of weeks and it's fucking with my head. spider's always so tired and it makes me think he doesn't want me anymore. and going to my house and having "me time" with porn and electric boyfriend is just not the same and makes me bitter.

i'm trying to learn enough linux to get a wireless card to work on this laptop one of spider's friends left with him. maybe i'll start writing more if i can be comfortable when i am working. i feel so dead inside. i haven't done anything all year.

i'm pretty viciously depressed if i stop to think about it and i'm on the highest level of meds i can be on.

i've been really anxious about work, too, cos i got reprimanded for not greeting a customer when i had a line of people at the counter. i'm terrified nick's gonna fire me and i have no idea what i would do if i lost my job. seth says i'm just paranoid and that nick myspaced him and told him he was glad i was working there, but i'm just on edge all the time.

i wish i could just relax into things and let them be ok. everyone says spider adores me, but i have trouble seeing it.

fucking borderline personality disorder. i've got to do SOMETHING to make this better. my therapist is pretty much useless. i need to find a yoga class i can afford, start getting acupuncture, but now i'm going to have to start saving up for a deposit on an apartment.

this constant worry makes me feel like i'm going to crumble any minute.

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