Memphis (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} fuchsiafalling) wrote,@ 2006-10-02 13:38:00 |
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for some reason i prefer it over here at spider's to my own apartment. even if my cat is over there. i can't figure out why. maybe it's cos there's a laptop. maybe cos bishop is sort of a synecdoche for spider and i find it comforting.
there's a part of me that thinks i should keep myself detached, that i should force myself to sleep alone, to go over to my messy crowded house where the things that are mine are all crammed into one room. i should keep myself ever so slightly withdrawn just in case.
i love my room, don't get me wrong, its spring green and taupe walls have grown on me, it's just that i have so much clutter that it is disheartening, and i feel like i dont even know where to start. endless loads of laundry. i wash it but lack the energy to put it away, not to mention a thence to put it in. i should throw away everything i don't wear, all the stained and frayed shirts, or cut them into cleaning rags.
maybe it's that i havent ever lived anywhere longer than about 10 months and i've reached that mark.
maybe it's really that spider adores me and being around him is easy. i don't have to pretend to feel good, i can just lie in bed and read and he won't make me get up. at my house i always feel like i should be cleaning. it's not comfortable. i have too much stuff. i need someone to come over and force me to throw away all the trash and superfluities so i can relax.
i am afraid of wanting to be around spider all the time. i am afraid of a repeat of the last time. rationally i know that this is different, that we are well-matched, that it's completely reciprocal. we don't fight. we might crab at each other for a second when we feel badly, but it's not personal. it's not too good to be true. it's good and it's true. it's just taking some getting used to.
i wish i could live alone again. i miss having the place to myself and knowing that all the dirt and mess and dishes and cat hair was MINE and if i didnt clean it up no-one was going to be inconvenienced. i think being at spider's all day is the next best thing. that and he pays for me all the time so i don't mind doing his laundry or vacuuming or walking bishop. it's my way of keeping it even.
things are slightly tense with tom, my roommate. he's been really depressed and trying to get meds straightened out, plus working out like crazy, so he's either not home or in his room. he calls or texts me all the time when i am over here and tells me to come home, but then he just goes to sleep. he is one of those people who dont like solitude. me, i love it.
i guess being around spider is close to solitude, since we can just be in the same space and do different things, or lie in bed and read together. in a way, my relationship with him is a lot like the one i have with tachi.
if i told me therapist that she would crack up, but it's true. we comfort each other physically and emotionally, i like just being around him, and i never doubt that he loves me. pretty much my cat is the only boy who has ever made me feel that. i cant wait until spider gets some furniture and tachi can come over. i am going to get a little rolling carrier and just take him with me when i want to sleep at my house or over here. it will be awesome. or else a little trailer. he will HATE it and it will rule.
it's raining. my muscles hurt. my neck and shoulders havent been right since my bike wreck, but it's cosy over here with just bishop curled up in his puppy nest.
there's a part of me that thinks i should keep myself detached, that i should force myself to sleep alone, to go over to my messy crowded house where the things that are mine are all crammed into one room. i should keep myself ever so slightly withdrawn just in case.
i love my room, don't get me wrong, its spring green and taupe walls have grown on me, it's just that i have so much clutter that it is disheartening, and i feel like i dont even know where to start. endless loads of laundry. i wash it but lack the energy to put it away, not to mention a thence to put it in. i should throw away everything i don't wear, all the stained and frayed shirts, or cut them into cleaning rags.
maybe it's that i havent ever lived anywhere longer than about 10 months and i've reached that mark.
maybe it's really that spider adores me and being around him is easy. i don't have to pretend to feel good, i can just lie in bed and read and he won't make me get up. at my house i always feel like i should be cleaning. it's not comfortable. i have too much stuff. i need someone to come over and force me to throw away all the trash and superfluities so i can relax.
i am afraid of wanting to be around spider all the time. i am afraid of a repeat of the last time. rationally i know that this is different, that we are well-matched, that it's completely reciprocal. we don't fight. we might crab at each other for a second when we feel badly, but it's not personal. it's not too good to be true. it's good and it's true. it's just taking some getting used to.
i wish i could live alone again. i miss having the place to myself and knowing that all the dirt and mess and dishes and cat hair was MINE and if i didnt clean it up no-one was going to be inconvenienced. i think being at spider's all day is the next best thing. that and he pays for me all the time so i don't mind doing his laundry or vacuuming or walking bishop. it's my way of keeping it even.
things are slightly tense with tom, my roommate. he's been really depressed and trying to get meds straightened out, plus working out like crazy, so he's either not home or in his room. he calls or texts me all the time when i am over here and tells me to come home, but then he just goes to sleep. he is one of those people who dont like solitude. me, i love it.
i guess being around spider is close to solitude, since we can just be in the same space and do different things, or lie in bed and read together. in a way, my relationship with him is a lot like the one i have with tachi.
if i told me therapist that she would crack up, but it's true. we comfort each other physically and emotionally, i like just being around him, and i never doubt that he loves me. pretty much my cat is the only boy who has ever made me feel that. i cant wait until spider gets some furniture and tachi can come over. i am going to get a little rolling carrier and just take him with me when i want to sleep at my house or over here. it will be awesome. or else a little trailer. he will HATE it and it will rule.
it's raining. my muscles hurt. my neck and shoulders havent been right since my bike wreck, but it's cosy over here with just bishop curled up in his puppy nest.
